Kharkiv sculptor Anton Derbilov, a connoisseur of various arts and a father of three children, was written and filmed by domestic and foreign media. With the beginning of the Russian invasion, Anton voluntarily joined the National Guard of Ukraine. During this time, he was awarded with such awards as the medals "

A soldier who returned from the front line says that he sleeps well at home. Almost without nightmares that for a long time do not let go of everyone who has been to the war.

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Back in the summer of 2021, Anton played the guitar in a cheerful company at the traditional " His participation in the filming of the video as a flamenco dancer was discussed. Our hero has such a talent. He grew up in a family of artists, his specialty is game and military miniatures.. The family project of Anton and his wife Katerina Sirko toys is a success in Ukraine and abroad.

And since the beginning of March 2022, the sculptor and his brothers have been in position near the Kharkov district. Then there were Balakleya, Izyum, the eastern bank of Oskol. Participation in the cleansing of villages, assaults. Two and a half months near Kremennaya. Now rotation and soon again on the front line.

According to Anton, the story of how he got into the army is like a quest. On February 24 last year, he, like most, was in a state of shock.. I thought about what to do next, where to take my wife and daughters, packed my things. In the evening he told his family that he would fight. The family accepted his choice extremely stoically.. Were and remain a reliable support.

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On the morning of the next day, the couple stocked up on food and Anton went in search of a point where he could join the armed forces. Someone said that nearby, in the building of Gosprom, is the headquarters of the Troop. But there the volunteer found only empty boxes of cartridges and pieces of paper. The woman watchman said: “And they left yesterday. Somewhere in the district, they are fighting there " Then it turned out that the military registration and enlistment offices were no longer working..

Anton collected equipment left over from the time of five years of airsoft training in a bag that his godfather sewed in 2014 for Kharkov volunteer battalions. Everything that I took, then came in handy in the war. Wife Katya cut her husband's long hair in a military way: she blessed in this way. Anton said goodbye to his family, deciding that until he was taken into the army, he would not return home.

The quest has begun. One headquarters, another. Many men came there. Without combat experience did not take. Volunteers shouted: \! We want to fight! ”, and heard in response from the guards: “Move ten meters from the fence! Should have come before! Anton sat on the trunk and waited. Then suddenly a man drove up in a white jeep: “Guys, who wants to join the National Guard? No contracts, arm, dress! It was in the National Guard that Anton didn’t really want to, but he didn’t have to choose. He admits that when he passed the checkpoint, he realized that he did not feel such awe even when he entered the first year of the Kharkov State Academy of Design and Arts, which he had been preparing for for years, like an athlete for the Olympics. In the assembly hall, one of the recruits was already trying on uniforms, someone was talking to doctors, everything was happening chaotically.

- Patrick, come here.! Anton suddenly heard. It was an old friend with whom they once played role-playing games together.. So in fact, Anton acquired the experience of fighting the orcs a long time ago. Among the hobbit crowd, he was known as " So they joined the army, " Soon they were joined by a third comrade, Igor. For the first hundred days they served side by side, in the same detachment, went on night duty together. Then the service parted. " Igor is recovering in the hospital after being injured.

- Anton, we met by chance on the street in Kharkov on February 15 last year. According to Bloomberg, the war was supposed to start on that day.. Did you believe then

- Ten percent was the hope that they still only scare. And on the remaining ninety I was sure that the attack would be. Any nonsense that the Russians spew should be taken seriously.. As Jews after the Holocaust said: " So in the case of the Russians, it is better to trust them in matters relating to some kind of threats.. The only question was when. Compared to the current situation, I am confident that we will win. But the same question - when.

When I put on the uniform for the first time, I took a picture and changed my profile picture on Facebook. The photo reflected my condition. Somewhat calmed down when they gave weapons. Until the end, of course, I did not believe in the reality of what was happening..

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- And now I believe?

- I have been serving for the second year, but still I can’t feel like a military man. Although there is already some experience, and military awards. I feel like a sculptor who walks around in military uniform. This is cosplay, that is, reincarnation in different roles. Been cosplaying all my life. In youth - knights, shooters. When he was engaged in martial arts - some kind of supermen. When doing flamenco - Spanish macho. When he played in the group Alcohol Ukulele - musicians. In airsoft, whoever our team has not cosplayed: Wahhabis, Colombian drug lords, and Albanian rebels. The most decent thing I remember is the British army in the war with Ireland. And that was enough.

- It turns out that, in essence, a volunteer is a person who, of his own free will, obeys someone else's will. As a person of art, the creator experiences severe restrictions on freedom.?

- Complex issue. All my life I've been a freelance artist. I didn't do regular activities in some mode. And here you find yourself in a situation where you are not free at all. Someone decides for you when you sleep, when you eat, where to go.. True, our situation is still a little different than that of the same conscripts and contractors. To us, mobilized, the attitude is somewhat different, everything is not so tough. In exchange for the fact that we risk our lives more, some kind of relief is probably given.. On the one hand, such a special treatment pleases, but on the other hand, you pay too much for it.. Yes, it was difficult to get used to lack of freedom. But I had to.

- You, volunteers, after being accepted into the National Guard, were immediately sent to meet Russian tanks in the district of Kharkov. Without preparation?

- Everything was hastily, semi-spontaneously. There were already battles in the city, the Russians broke through from two sides. We were molded into battle groups. At the transshipment base, one of the experienced fighters showed how to disassemble and assemble the machine gun, how to apply a turnstile, bandage. How to use a hand grenade launcher. All this was chaotic. Three days later, we were formed into a battle group, taken somewhere to the district and landed in snowdrifts. They said: “You will stand here for a day or two and wait for a tank attack.”. We sat there for a hundred days. We didn't wait for the tanks, they hardly reached us. We went out to positions, saw the breaking through columns, which were smashed in front of us. We constantly dug in, during this time we somehow got acquainted with the weapon.

- This coincided with your ideas about how you would fight?

- Probably not. We thought we'd get into a fight right away. There was a feeling that the enemy was breaking through from all sides.. But then there was no fear in this hype. Fear of death. Fear of getting hurt, being captured.

- And when it became really scary, remember this moment?

- I remember the first time I was so well covered. December 4 near Kremennaya. At that time, we had been fighting in the forests for about three weeks. This was not the first or second battle, we participated in the offensive. And the wounded were, and the dead. During the day, a tank began to work on our positions, then opened fire several times during the night. The shelling continued for half an hour, or even an hour.. At night I slept in a hole under an awning from the rain. The shells lay down literally next to. Then it really hit me: “You can fall asleep and not wake up”. When they shot at us before, it was not like that, nevertheless. We could run, shoot back. Trench warfare is the worst. You sit and really can't do anything at all. To hit or not to hit. You can dig a little deeper. Can you roughly calculate the place where to lie down so that you are not covered by a fragment. But this only slightly reduces the likelihood. Roulette. And in fact you are in this state 24 hours a day.. It's very hard. When there is an assault, an attack, it's scary, but there you do something. Also a traumatic experience, but different than sitting under shells for days. Probably under that tank fire was my first experience of PTSD.

- You feel that during this time you have become, so to speak, a different person.?

- Whatever you had in your life before, you did not know what fear is for real. Animal, primitive. And you stay in this state for a long time.. Can't think of anything else. Breathing practices apply, communicate. But you can't relax too much.. You constantly need to understand where they can hit you at any second. If not a sniper bullet, then a shell fragment. Helmet and armor are useful things. But nothing will save you from a direct hit..

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- about useful things. Proficiency with a entrenching tool turned out to be more important than the skills of playing the ukulele.

- In the army, of course, you need to be able to relax. A shovel is a must. But they brought me both a guitar and a ukulele.

- It turns out that art is not needed in war. It cannot prevent or stop war. What is the use of it?

- In any case, art does not ask us whether we need it or not. It just is. Speaking personally about me in art, I have a great desire to create something. I've been doing this all my life, for me it's a necessary process. But while there is no physical or moral strength for this. During the entire war, he painted one portrait of a comrade, gave him a birthday present. For a creative search, I need inner peace, harmony. In war, the brain refuses to set creative tasks and complete them..

— This experience will be reflected in your work in the future.? Will there be a post-victory series of miniatures of contemporaries?

- First of all, God forbid. If at first I was sure that I would make such miniatures, now I have no desire to think about any military topics at all.. Maybe later, when I look at it from the side. Let go, I hope. Still, I am a specialist in military miniatures, and I was good at that.. And it’s hard to change roles in the fifth decade, probably. Though who knows. Let's see. There were a lot of requests, people wrote from all over the world: “We are waiting for your figurines on this topic”. I understand that this should be successful, and will be correct from all points of view. I set myself the task - to live to win, preferably in full. Save the rest of the creative mind. And if the task is completed, I will return to this issue..

What about flamenco? Dance then?

— Unfortunately, my flamenco activities have ceased.. Everyone left. Those who choreographed and those who danced. The teacher who taught me how to play the flamenco guitar has also left and probably won't be back.. And I really want to develop accompaniment later. Not sure if I can dance the way I used to.

But especially for your video, I'll remember something. The main thing is to be healthy.

At the moment there is a rotation, reorganization. My war turned out like in a computer game: from simple to complex. From mission to mission, from location to location, trash and horror are growing. Classes are going on now. Then back to the front. Where exactly, I don't know yet.. But it will be fun anyway..

Read more articles by Marco Bayanov at the link.