Text: Yana Filimonova Our culture is permeated with myths about romantic love, often contradicting each other: love is supposedly blind, and wise, and wins everything, and dies in three years. We can say that it provokes dependence on love - but the good news is that you can get out of this situation. We analyze the most common scenarios and the ways out of them.

Falling in love with someone inaccessible It happens that a person for many years in love with a phantom, a dream. Sometimes this is a former partner, the relationship with which has long ended, sometimes - a distant friend or acquaintance, who occasionally flashes in the company and permanently disappears from the access. Or a deeply married boss, a friend, a colleague, or even a well-known person: an actor or actress, politician, singer or singer or even a character in the series - and a fictional hero. These situations are united by the fact that, in fact, a man in love is fascinated by a mirage, his imagined image. He knows very little about the real subject of his sighs, or this hero does not exist at all, or, as in the case of a former partner, the object of love for a long time could have changed greatly, and nothing is known about his present life. What to do? First, ask yourself if you want to do anything at all. Love from afar for some quite comfortable state, which is especially common in teenagers and young people. It's another matter if, falling in love, you begin to suffer from the inaccessibility of a person: here is the time to wonder what you find for yourself in this inaccessibility. For example, can you imagine a real relationship with this person? Imagine that the boss is divorced or never married, the actor or actress met you in life, and the beautiful hero of "Sherlock" incarnated into a real person and gave you a dropped glove. Imagine step by step how your friendship will develop and how you will spend the first date. What interests your hero or heroine? What will you do at your leisure? What will your sex be like? Will you live together and what will your couple be like? What will you eat for breakfast and who will prepare this breakfast? Sometimes this mental exercise in itself removes the heat of feelings. Even in a fictitious relationship, it suddenly becomes apparent that a beautiful friend in the distance is ten years older and that's why he looks at things differently, and in general may be a bore.

And he also has a daughter, and it is impossible to "develop" it in such a scenario. He will visit her at the weekend?.

If so, then we will have to separate them. If not - then what kind of monster is this that does not go to your own child? The inaccessibility of the object of love is a metaphor of the inaccessibility of these desirable qualities to the person himself. Sometimes it happens that the imagination refuses already on the first questions: there are sweet sighs, but contact does not work even in fantasies. This is a good reason to reflect on how you in real life have been in contact with close people: with mom, dad, first partner, best friend or girlfriend. Were these relationships injurious, or unreliable, or so pressing that it is now safer to fall in love with a mirage than to try to once again come into close contact with a person of flesh and blood? It is not necessary to be frightened: traumas happen, and our psyche reacts to them in a certain way - tries to avoid them in the future. Another thing is that the stage of romantic love for mirages is good to pass. You can try to do this in the therapist's office, in a safe and host environment. Another useful topic for independent reflection: what qualities seem beautiful to you in your beloved or beloved, and which ones would you like to have? Falling in love, we project a part of our ideas about the ideal. In this sense, the inaccessibility of the object of love is a metaphor of the inaccessibility of these desirable qualities to the person himself. How do you see your object of love? Creative, beautiful, easy on the rise, clever, held in his business, kind? And can you develop some of these qualities in yourself, so that you do not have to search so desperately for them in another person? In love as a drug Love for you - the native element. Sleepless nights, dreams of her or about him, heart sinking when he or she enters the room. Feeling of euphoria, which makes life meaningful. And then - a rapid disappointment, bitterness and even depression. In short, you tend to fall in love often. The process is uncontrollable: you fall into it quite suddenly and spend in this feverish phase from a few months to a year or two. Then there comes a disappointment or a quarrel - depending on whether you had any real relationship or only a wave of violent feelings. In principle, if the love "booze" lasts at least some time, you can have time to live together with the object of passion or even register a relationship. The problem is that this will not be a weighted decision, but the same spontaneous act in a state of euphoria with all the ensuing consequences. Sometimes "serial" amorous people in parallel have a more stable relationship - but this does not save them from strong and sudden feelings towards other people. What to do? Again, if the situation does not bother you, you can enjoy falling on your head with strong feelings. Another thing is if such love "binges" began to threaten work, long-term relationships or simply replaced all other interests. It is difficult not to draw an analogy of love with drugs or alcohol: after euphoria and pleasant sensations, a hangover comes, and if it is time and again more and more destructive, it is good to do something. As in the case of potent substances, it is worth asking yourself what each time gives you such a spontaneous fall in love or, perhaps, from what it protects. Perhaps marriage or long-term relationships have already exhausted themselves, but the passion for other people distracts, protects against a collision with this fact. The constant partner serves as a consolation after the unfulfilled stormy novel (even if he does not know about it), and the guilt keeps him close. Perhaps, in addition to these regular lovers in life, there is no more drive. Somewhere have disappeared all the travel, adventure, merry parties with talk until the morning and generally the feeling that there is something exciting ahead. Finding this drive is not easy again. The whole mass culture supports the belief that in the life of a person who has passed through college times, adventures and interesting discoveries will not happen any more: a boring adult life and a dull mature age ahead. Falling in love with such a system of coordinates is almost the only legal way to experience something new and get a thrill. The problem is that this approach does not allow us to build our own interesting life, forcing us to find exciting and interesting outside time after time, and then again and again lose it. "Loves / does not like" - a question of the tenth. Short-lived euphoria.

and the subsequent disappointment hide much more complex.

and eternal questions It turns out that "loves / dislikes" in this case - the issue of the tenth. Short-term euphoria and subsequent disappointment hide much more complex and eternal questions. What has become my life and do I really want to see it? Why do I wake up with a feeling of joyful impatience, only when I'm in love and dream to see him or her? Why does my work, relationships and hobbies not bring strong positive feelings and can this be remedied? No strength to part. You are in a difficult relationship: destructive, co-dependent, obviously destroying you. You are insulted, humiliated, beaten or intimidated, your self-esteem is crumbling. Maybe not so terrible, but also not a sugar option, when the relationship has long been not satisfying both parties and obviously have no prospects. One of the partners wants children, and the other realizes himself as a childfree; one wants to leave the country, the second - to stay; the couple did not have joint employment and interest in each other, they are embarrassed together to visit people and are constantly irritated with each other, no longer having sex. It seems that the attachment to the partner and the desire to keep the "shell" of the couple and the old way of life prevail over the desire to complete the relationship. And you are tormented, walk around in circles, weary of scandals or irritated silence, but stay in a relationship - with the thought that in a good way they should be worth. What to do? The most dangerous, of course, is the situation of physical or psychological violence. If you realize that this is happening in your relationship, get the support of someone (out of relationships!) As soon as possible, who will not be judging you and will be friendly towards you: mom, girlfriend or friend, psychologist. If you doubt whether the violence is happening or not, be sure to share it, without hushing up: usually these thoughts do not arise from scratch. Tell this close person about what is happening and together make a plan of action to get out of the dangerous situation. Even if you want to hope that you can still fix it, and the rapist will change his mind and stop his behavior - unfortunately, this is a utopia. Violence does not have good outcomes. If violence does not occur, but relations are plunged into a quagmire, it is not worth to force events. While the decision is made on an intellectual level (lists of pros and cons, endless weighings for and against), it means that at the emotional level it is not yet ripe. Perhaps your couple will not be hampered by the help of a family psychologist (he can help and peacefully disperse). An important question that should be asked yourself: is it possible with this partner the life you want for yourself? If so, how does the partner agree? And if not, why? And what in that case keeps you from parting? Photos: Adam - stock. adobe. com, niradj - stock. adobe. com, Dmitri Stalnuhhin - stock. adobe. com Original article: Unicorns and drugs:.

How to cope with love affair.