I went here, citizens, to the Land of the Yellow Devil, and in her very heart. In Washington. Once even the State Department saw.
In the distance. So do not be afraid, read on.
At my own expense I went, on personal business, which, of course, already does not paint me, but oh well, and so there's nowhere to put a sample.
And I returned from there, I must tell you, in the perfect state of semolina and complete relaxation, just as a person did not become from these eternal smiles and syusi-muci hypocritical and politeness deliberate, that's just to not miss the client. Well, here I come, say, in a supermarket such as our "Crossroads" or the "Fifth Continent", or maybe directly from them and slipped. Its something, the stump is clear, they had nothing to live off. All of them foreigners did it to me, they told me on our TV many times, and the TV itself was invented by an emigrant from Russia, Zvorykin, this is what the little guy knows about us (about Zvorykina, by the way, it's true, it's a pity he did it there, and Not at home, she did not give him such a chance, Motherland).
So, I come to the supermarket and, let's say, go to the department of cookery. And there lies everything differently, and, in particular, something made either from fish or from seafood. Well type of teftelek-cutlets such simpotnyh. Only it becomes unclear to me whether it is raw or whether it is already possible to buy it directly and to chew. And behind the counter is a black-haired grandmother wearing big glasses. Well, I asked her, Auntie, and it's raw or you can eat it?.
And here is not to shave me off, say, do not you see that, you wipe your eyes, put on your glasses, and does not see anything, so that I immediately understand that it's necessary to cook raw and so this grandmother delays me for a few minutes Here is such a roughly speech (this is if she spoke Russian, it would sound exactly like this):.
- Oh, daughter, right now, I'll tell you everything. Here are the cocksuckers, so they are made from crab, when you cook them, you want them, then you grease your grease with olive oil, it's better olive, sunflower here will not go, or even better, I'll tell you my grandmother's secret, put a piece of parchment ali tracings What, and the cocktail is already on. And straight for three minutes in the microwave.
And, the American bastard, does not even ask me if I have a microwave, that is - to any normal person we understand - humiliates on a national basis. Well cho - I smile in response, as they are accepted, and even overpowering myself and despising for sub-pindography, I ask myself, did she try or what?.
"Of course, daughter," she says, "I tried. So straight tasty, you lick your fingers. But this, doc, only if you like fish and seafood.
- No, I say. - It's just that I asked.
Well, I think right now the real face will show its own way, it will scream all the same, so that I will not distract her with all sorts of stupid questions.
And she answered:.
- Well, that's right.. If interested, always ask.
What is it, eh? Simply archilicism some. That's what only people will not do to make the client bewitch and squeeze money from it.
And right at the end of the trip I missed our honesty. Some enemies of Russia confuse her with rudeness, but they are enemies. And I just wanted to, even to the forehead.
And the next day, as I broke away from the American sticky and tenacious embraces, I went to the dry cleaning. And the receipt has lost. And I'll bring my own guilt-at once, from the threshold, to the counter, I shovel, meltes and drowned.
"I'm sorry," I say, "I lost my receipt.".
"Pass the passport," says the receptionist, looking through me high into the wall behind me.
- So I do not have a passport with me, but there are other documents with photos and seals, - I mumble.
"Others will not!" - she responds triumphantly, as usually they respond to the stricken enemy. - It is necessary to fill out a special form with the document number.
- So I know the passport number, and the serial number, and the code of the unit. And when issued, and by whom, and things I can describe to you to villi, - again I mumble.
- NO PAY! - she cuts off. And straight as Marshal Zhukov on a white horse itself.
"All right," I surrender. - Only here you show me, please, pants, which I handed over, there was a hole on them, I just want to see how they sewed up, trousers are not mine.
- No, he says, I will not show.
Well, here I begin to press, I'm still at home.
"And what," I say, "am I in violation of the Constitution of the Russian Federation, asking you to see the trousers?".
- Of course, - she answers with knowledge of the Constitution. - Even as you violate!.
And looks so that the look of the boa constrictor on the rabbit fades.
- But as? - Well, I'm also not done with a finger.
"But nothing," she replies.. - None of your business.
- Well, let's see, if it's not my business, - I'm carrying an absolutely absurdist text.
- Yeah, but if I show them to you, and YOU SHEAT THE TROUSERS AND RUN BREAK THE HEAD WITH THEM, Huh?.
Examiner. Silent scene.
And here is the epilogue:.
I lose the battle and drag myself home, presenting along the way, as if I were running headlong along the Garden Ring with trousers at the ready.
No, America will never win America. Imagination is not enough.
In the photo: author on the background of the Capitol.
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