She was called for an encore three times. She ran out with a light gait, again repeated her signature number - a cappella, taking off from low notes to the very top and back, then threw off her high-heeled shoes, ran barefoot to the foreground. The audience went into applause.

It flashed in my head, can throw off another silk cloak, tear the tie and throw it on the floor with a careless movement, stay in one tight dress? No, it will be like a striptease, you have to keep the fine boundaries of classics and taste. She already shocked the audience, screaming with delight, with her bare feet, ankles, illuminated from under a slightly tucked up hem. Marie ran to the edge of the ramp and spread her arms in a hug. She was really ready to hug all of them clapping in the hall, old men and women, young women and men, for their applause, for their love, shouts of delight....

Bouquets flew to her feet.

She stepped forward and felt the pleasant velvety coolness of the petals with her bare toes..

The path started from a large clearing and went to the hut itself.. Marie Estella came to her by chance when she wandered through the forest, looking for sympathy and vague echoes of childhood, peace and safety that accompanied her in that distant Chernihiv forest when she was eight or ten years old... She does not remember exactly how old she was. even to myself.

Because then it was still possible to change everything, to take a different path.

And then, when I already became a star, it was also possible to change everything....

What Happened Happened.

In the forest, she walked with her grandfather, he held her by the handle and told which bird was singing at the moment, how it was singing, in which octave. Grandfather was a singer and musician, sang in a military choir. From him, probably, and passed to her voice, beautiful contralto and love of music.

In that, already an adult, luxurious life, it was also possible to change everything, not follow the director's lead, refuse to jump into the water from the side of the schooner, because it was so high. She got dizzy when she got on board. But most importantly, the water below, almost ice cold, seems to be eight degrees... or even six. Was this jump scene really needed, after all, it was not the main, passing scene... but he wanted, and she obediently performed... He is not just a director, but the one from whose gaze her heart was stopping. She did not find the strength to disobey.

Why was she even carried to this movie....

She had a successful career as a popular singer, fame, money, silk dresses embroidered with rhinestones, perfume always for $ 100, no less, a mansion on the seashore, a loving husband. He was not loving at all, but still a husband. Peace and stability. I wanted even more glory? Try yourself in filming? No, that wasn't the point. At first, I listened half-heartedly to the assistant for the actors, she had everything scheduled for the day and tours on the nose. But when I arrived at the studio, I entered the room of the film crew and saw him....

Realized that she was missing, she will do anything and refuse to tour.

Fool, fool, married fool, soft-bodied fool, you did not protect your God's gift, Marie, you exchanged it for someone, for what? To such a nonentity? Is it possible to neglect oneself and rush into the abyss after him, fulfill all his stupid wishes. This is a stunt shooting, she is not obliged, she could have required an understudy, she lacked the spirit....

How bitter and painful.

Possessing an innate impeccable taste, she saw many directorial mistakes, mistakes in costumes, makeup missed the image, understood that he was mediocre, that she was filming in hack, cheap, but could not refuse.

She jumped, entered the water like a swallow, the ice sheet of water covered her, took her breath away. On the shore they pounded her with vodka, gave her half a glass to drink inside. She didn't even get drunk with excitement.

And in the evening it got locked in my throat. By the middle of the night, she woke up with such pain as she had never experienced with a sore throat.. A cheap hotel in Abkhazia, a place forgotten by God, there was not even a first-aid post in the hotel. She knocked on the assistant's number, with signs asked to call an ambulance, she could no longer speak.

She was taken to the hospital in Gagra. The director and director of the film blamed each other, filming was disrupted. The further horror captured Marie Estella so much that she did not even think about the fate of the film.. At the hospital, she was offered a gargle, antibiotic injections, and an IV with some kind of heart-supporting drug.. The sore throat was so severe that Marie could not even take a simple sip of water.. When she tried to swallow, her eyes darkened from pain, water and liquid food poured out..

Ten days of treatment gave little result and Marie went to Kiev by plane, accompanied by her husband who had flown to her.. There, in the clinic of the Medical Institute, I lay for another ten days and, finally, was able to eat, drink and talk..

But... don't sing.

Instead of a soft, velvety contralto, strange, rough creaking sounds escaped her throat..

Scars formed on the vocal cords as a result of the transferred inflammation, spreading their hands, the doctors explained. Life does not end there, find yourself another occupation, not everyone can sing on stage, they kindly advised.

For them - just one of the medical incidents. For her - a disaster, the collapse of her whole life. But who is she to them? Passed by and forgot, every day brings new patients to the clinic with their own stories, and for each his own story is the most important.

He has been winding through the forest for the third day. I covered my tracks, but everything seemed to be calm. It seems that he was lucky, either they are not looking, or the escorts were drunk and did not immediately miss one minus at the stop, or they ran in the wrong direction. Damn, yes, it seems he was lucky, but it's too early to go out to people. They will post it, after all, his photo is wherever possible. I want to eat scary. I ate some berries, from which my stomach hurts. Only that bunny gave him strength. I found a burrow with a hare family, there were no parents, three hares, small ones still. Grabbed one, twisted his neck, he did not squeak. I had matches with me, I skinned and fried with my hands. Then he was sick for a long time from this memory.

Marie finally understood what happened to her only when she returned from the Kiev clinic. One was walking around her big house, her husband had just left for another " She went around all the corners, here is her favorite piano, room, " Why did it all go where? Some strange sounds erupt from her throat. This is not her throat. It was always so obedient to her. What happened so unexpectedly, and what lies ahead? No, it’s impossible, it’s impossible!

She was surrounded by silence. Dense, visible, like rough army cloth, she squeezed her body painfully. Even through the window glass no sounds reached, the floorboards did not creak, the refrigerator did not mutter something. Quiet. This is how it will always be - loneliness and silence... Helplessness, hopelessness....

She collapsed to her knees in the middle of the living room, beat her hands on the head and yelled: - Why, why, why? You are rubbish, Marie, you are a voiceless rubbish! Insignificance! I hate you Marie! Answer me God you punished me? For what he was punished? I didn’t do anything wrong, why, why?

The pain in the head sobered Marie. She got up from her knees and trudged to the sofa. Stretched out on it, listened. Silence.

I had to get out of the forest somehow. He understood it. But his pictures are already hanging, probably. Advertisements at post offices, on the Internet. Dangerously. We must move away from the place of escape, as far as possible.. It's warm, it's not scary to spend the night on earth, only you want to eat. What if he walks in a circle, as it happens in the forest? The forest is unfamiliar.

Husband arrived. Sympathized. We will fight. This is how many people travel abroad for treatment.. There are such famous clinics in Israel, in Germany. We will collect money for treatment by crowdfunding. It is necessary to advertise in the newspapers, people will respond, because the people love her so much.. She protested weakly - uncomfortable, ashamed. But resigned. And she was indignant when it turned out that little money was dripping, almost nothing. That's all the people's love. Success ended, love died too.

No one needs her now without a voice, no one. Neither the Union of Theater Workers, where she applied, nor the state, nor her own fans. No voice - no love.

Received a response from an Israeli clinic and from a German Sharite. The Israelis promised to do everything possible, but did not promise to return the voice. Yes, the scars on the vocal cords will be removed, the voice will improve, but will it return in full? No, they cannot guarantee that.. And it is possible that at the site of scar excision, new growths will appear - polyps. The Germans looked at the case with great optimism.. Marie decided to go to Sharite. But where to get the money? Pledge a house to the bank? You can get a sufficient amount for it. The husband was categorically against. We will lose the house, if the voice does not return, then Marie will not be able to work off such a crazy loan.. Marie insisted that the house belongs only to her, bought with her personal money. She was sure that everything would be restored, and in a year, having traveled on tour, she would definitely return everything. If she had known then....

The desire to return to the profession, to the stage was irresistible. She mortgaged the house.

If she knew she would lose everything. And a voice, even a spoken one, and a husband who ran away after losing his house to a young devoule, with an apartment in the center of Kiev, with a chic Mitsubishi and a wonderful position in the capital city hall. And the last refuge on her path in life will be this hut in the forest, ruined, which she stumbled upon by accident and called it her Refuge. My Refuge, my minimum, my fall, my salvation from the cold and losing myself.

He went out into a large clearing and, circling in search of a way out, he noticed her, a path that led somewhere. I walked along it, it will definitely lead to people, and it is no longer possible to stay in the forest for more than five days. Thirsty and thirsty. In the morning, you can lick the dew from the leaves, but the berries that he ate earlier caused such pain in the stomach and diarrhea that he could no longer risk it. Someone paved this path, which means that she will lead him out of the forest.

Marie was making herself soup on a small stove covered with clay when the room seemed to get darker. What's the matter, she thought, and looked out the window. There flashed a shadow. Or it seemed?

She bent over the stove again when she suddenly found herself gripped in the grip of two strong, rough hands.

- Shut up, do not shout, I understand? Quietly tell me who is with you?

Marie shook her head.

- Nobody, - barely squeezed out of herself with fear.

Her hands turned her, and she saw a dirty man in rumpled gray clothes. With a strained look, he ransacked the little room.

- You live here alone?

- One.

- Looks like that. There are no men's things. Gimme!

- Here. Soup. Only he is very hot.

Without answering, the man plopped down on a stool by the table, began to blow into an earthen bowl, where Marie poured soup. Flaring his nostrils, breathing heavily, choking, greedily gulping.

- Who are you? - dared to ask Marie, when he drank everything to the bottom.

- None of your business. I don’t ask you why you’re so wheezy, drunk, or something?

- Not. I do not drink at all.

- People are far from here? Village or town?

- Long away. There is only a farm nearby.

- Who lives on the farm?

- Father, mother, three children, and two workers. The farm is.

- They know about you that you are here? They come here?

- Never. I go to them once a week. I help in the barn, they give me food for it. And old clothes. They are good people, you won't do anything bad to them? - she asked anxiously, barely moving away from her own fear.

- Not. Give me a drink.

Marie poured water into a mug from a bucket.

- Water, where do you get it?

- There is a stream nearby.

- And I saw you somewhere. I remember my eyes and my mouth. Where I could see you?

Marie turned away.

- Yes, you are like two peas in a pod like a famous singer. If it hadn't been so hoarse, yes, this wreck, would have said that she.

Marie was silent. He looked into her face.

- You are Marie Estella! Exactly. They said on TV that the famous singer Marie Estella disappeared after an unsuccessful operation on the ligaments, when bank collectors robbed her to the skin for an unpaid loan! They said that even the concert dresses were taken away, and you ran away, and your husband filed an application for wanted list, was looking for you. So you live in this wreck for 4 years alone, so?

- Yes, it didn't hurt, he was looking, - burst out from Marie, - he wouldn't pretend that he was looking, no one would give him a hand.

- So you are 4 years without a man, - he chuckled, - well come here, I will calm you down.

He wrapped his arms around Marie and pulled her onto the bed. She began to break free, screamed.

- Let me go, I don’t want, I don’t want to, leave me alone, I will tear with my teeth!

She bit his hand and hit him with all her might in the groin with her knee. He doubled over.

- Yes, fuck you crazy! Who needs you! Skinny, wheezy, dirty. I like women in the body. Meaty. Well-groomed. Well I wanted to do better for you.

Marie huddled in a corner.

He went out the door, removed the lock from the hinge and hung it inside, into the room. He took out the key and put it in his pocket.

- This is so that you don’t think about where to go, report on me, I understand?

Marie did not answer.

- Are you not afraid of me at all - he asked. - You are not afraid that I will sew you?

- Not. You don't make sense to kill me. And even rape. You escaped from prison? You are wearing prison clothes, you are hiding. If you kill, who will bring you food here

- Are you smart. Even though it's good. Or maybe it's bad. I'm going to sleep now. The key is in my pocket, just in case. Sit quietly and don't think of anything. I will not kill, but I can beat. Understood?

Marie nodded. He lay down on the bed, covered himself with a blanket and snored.

She went to the window and peered into the forest. For the first time he was inaccessible to her, she could not go out there, in the depths, to snuggle up to that tree over there, against which she usually clung, feeling the protection emanating from it, to cover the trunk with her hands, gain strength and peace from it. Listen to the birds singing, determine mentally, joyfully, in which octave this birdie sings, or this. Their singing is the only thing that connected her to the past. Moreover, the hum and rustle of foliage, also low or high, depending on the season and wind speed. The throat no longer belonged to her, it became alien, hostile, but the musical memory and hearing remained. Sometimes she sang her former arias, or entirely symphonic concerts, not in her voice, it was impossible to hear it even to herself, but to herself. Her surroundings were trees, birds, small forest animals running by, but now, for the first time in this world that belonged to her, a rude, terrible man burst into her, from whom one could expect anything, and fear, which she tried not to show to a stranger, squeezed her.

All week Marie cooked, went to the stream for water, he accompanied her. Walked alongside so as not to run away. Then he began to take a bucket from her hands, carried it himself. Avoid unnecessary conversations, each had its own story. So painful that I didn't want to talk about it. We tried not to talk about anything at all.

Once I asked her if she was wondering why he was in prison.? She replied that no, and they never returned to this topic..

He by right of the strong took Marie's bed, she herself made a bed for herself at the opposite wall of three boards laid side by side on logs, on them she laid her winter casing, and on it a semblance of a sheet. He looked at her troubles condescendingly. No longer claimed her body.

So a week passed.

Marie got ready to go to the farm on Sunday morning. He grabbed her hand, you wanna give me up? Won't let go!

- But we already have nothing to eat, - Mari persuaded him.. - I will not go to clean the barn today, we will be left without food for the whole week. On Sundays, hired workers leave in the morning for the regional center to rest, I clean for them. And tomorrow I will no longer be needed there, they will return. What we will eat?

He breathed heavily with excitement. The week passed calmly, he hoped to turn over here for six months, and there the search would come to naught, our cops are lazy. I didn't even think about Marie going to help on the farm once a week.. And here, here it is danger - came close. Hand over it, hand over it how to drink, why does she need a freeloader for half the meal? Not in order, I suppose, to rake out manure in the barn to feed a stranger! After all, like a man, he really eats more of her, she has less left. Here it is - all week I was pretending to be a sheep so as not to anger him, but today she will go and hand over!

He squeezed Marie's hand painfully, she screamed.

- Why, why do you think so of me? Why should I hand you over? I don't even know why you were imprisoned.

- Why not? I'm sitting on your neck, I'm not tired of it yet? You yourself always reproach, do not chomp while eating, do not spit bones into a plate, do not drink. Fucking sissy little aristocrat fucking fuck your mother! Grew up, I suppose, in silks and velvet, as a child, she ate candy. And my dad, a drunken mother, drove out naked into the snow, beat her, I tried to protect her, so he beat me in the face with his boot. Two teeth knocked out. How do I know how all this cultural of yours is supposed to be done? You hate me, you disdain me, you twist forever. And I hate you, just keep quiet, we pretend that we tolerate each other, but in our hearts we hate, because you were born in one world, and I was completely in another! We hate each other, we hate! And you know it!

Marie silently looked at him, then began to collect the cans in the bucket with which she went to the farm.

“I'll go,” she said softly.. - I will not come to clean, there will be nothing to eat all week, and me and you.

She packed up and went out. He waited while her figure disappeared around the bend in the path.. Then he put a piece of bread in his pocket, took the casing on which Marie was sleeping, leaned the log against the door of the hut, so that it would fall if the door was opened and he would hear.

I walked away to the side of the brook a hundred steps. I built myself a rookery from the casing. If Marie brings the cops, he will notice and go up the stream. Cops can come with a dog. She won't take a trace along the stream.

I figured if they immediately call the regional department from the farm, but while they arrive, they come here in the forest... the policeman will leave the bobby at the edge, and then on foot. It's two hours for sure. This means you can sleep for two hours, and then concentrate and keep your ears open.. I could have just gone completely, but where? Get lost, how to drink to give.

A magpie chirped in the distance. He tensed. This is how the magpie reacts to people walking.

Silence fell.

It got dark, it got chilly. He got up from the casing and draped it over his shoulders. A dull sound rang out in the distance. The log fell.

Hid. Thought if she called the cops, they wouldn't wait until dark. Quietly crept up to the hut. A thin figure of Marie could be seen in the window.. She laid out potatoes from a cardboard box tied with a rope, put out cans of flour and cereals.

Waited another half hour and entered.

Marie looked around, nodded. She poured flour into a bowl and drove two eggs into it.

He sat down on his bed with his hands dangling between his knees..

She sat down next to him, close. Snuggled sideways. He understood her in his own way, reached for the buttons of the dress on his chest. She took his hand away.

- Do not. I do not want. Just hold me. You are welcome. Just hold me.

Just hug....

December 23, 2021.