"The rapist did not go anywhere, waited for me and even returned the camera that fell to the ground. And then he uttered a phrase that I remembered for life: "And let's call you a taxi so that something does not happen to you," recalls the graduate UrFU, photographer Daria Trofimova.

While the Urals discuss the terrible story of the rape and murder of a young mother from Upper Pyshma, JustMedia. Ru tries to figure out what it's like to live with a constant feeling that you are a victim of violence and to accept that your offender has gone unpunished.

Our interlocutor, several years after the personal tragedy, is ready to talk openly about the events of the terrible night. Daria tells how she managed to save her life, who helped her to cope with the pain and how art projects became her art therapy for her.

"All the time that he raped me, I talked with him".

- I remember that this story happened on the last year of the university. In the fall of 2011. You then, to the surprise of our teacher in Polish, came to the unprepared couple or did not come at all, although I knew how you loved Polish. I remember how once after class you put me before the fact: "I was raped". I then could do nothing but sympathize and not ask unnecessary questions: apparently, you looked calm, but it seemed to me that inside there was a breakdown. Now I know that you are ready not only for a "kitchen" conversation, but also for a public statement: "I am a victim of violence". Let's go back to the events of that night together.

- I returned home after the concert. The taxi did not have any money - student years, well, you understand. So I decided to go home by bus. I then rented a house on Sorting. In anticipation of transport, several guys noticed at the stop. Value did not attach to this, and, not having waited the bus, decided to go on foot. Catch the car for 50 rubles on the street did not, I wanted to protect myself. It's funny, of course (thinks).

We often walked to my house with my friend, this way did not scare me. I went to Lenin, went to Krylov, and next to the park near the Palace of Youth, it seemed to me like a pereklinilo. I began to look around and realized that there was not a soul around, and cars rarely passed by. At some point, it became scary. I thought: you need to order a taxi, explain the situation, get to a friend and borrow money from her. While making plans, a young man appeared. Later it turned out that he noticed me at the bus stop and all this time was going somewhere behind. The guy offered to get acquainted, I refused. He still introduced himself as a student of Ilya, who lives in the USURTU dormitory. Apparently dressed and adequately communicating. I thought, maybe he's escorting me, and we'll disperse just near his hostel. All the way we talked and said goodbye where I planned. I passed very little when I suddenly felt that this same Ilya flew at me, began to clamp, wring my hands, smother. I screamed, but already around the industrial zone and bushes. We are under the bridge, and I understand that now it's better to calm down, do not yell and do not kick, you do not know what's on his mind.

- That is, you are reconciled to the fact that the inevitable do not turn away?.

- For every attempt to escape, I flew strongly over the head or neck. So I tried to pull myself together and agree - like you do what you want, just do not kill and do not infect me with anything, because what happens is some kind of tin. All the time that he raped me, I talked with him. I do not know why he let me do this. At some point I even cheated on him. When someone called him in the process, I said: "Your girlfriend, probably? ". It was a protective reaction.

- Do you think you were saved by the acceptance of the situation?.

- I do not know. Maybe I was saved by the appearance in the haze on the tramway of the silhouette. She told the rapist that someone was going, after which he released me, and I hurried to meet the figure. The passer-by turned out to be a teenager of fifteen. I realized that it is not worthwhile to involve him in this story, because it's still unclear how everything will end. I had to go back. The rapist did not go anywhere, waited for me and even returned the camera that fell to the ground. And then he said a phrase that I remembered for life: "And let's call you a taxi so that something does not happen to you".

Then he followed me until I saw the guard booth, this is the industrial zone. She ran up to knock on the door, and when the window opened, she yelled that I had been raped. The guy at this moment fled.

- In your case, the rapist turned out to be unpunished. How did it happen that, knowing the name of a person and some facts from his biography, he could not detain the guilty?.

- This is a separate story. The police discouraged me from writing a statement, tried to instill the idea that I myself am guilty: walking around the night city alone without money and stuff. They said openly that they would not be able to find a rapist. But I decided for myself that it would all work out.

First we went to the hostel of the USURT, where I was given a card file, and I found a guy who looked like my abuser. I'm 100% sure that I was not, because it's been a day, and in a stressful situation you just forget how a person looks. Then the investigators showed me the page of this guy in the social network "VKontakte". The decision is very strange and questionable, because they did not know in what condition I was, it would suddenly occur to me to arrange lynching.

Then I spent hours looking at the page of this student, trying to remember the face of the rapist and to understand whether he is or not. She asked the investigators to call the guy for identification, wanted to see him personally. And two months later it turned out that he had gone into the army and served in Khabarovsk. Only after six months I was invited to identify. The suspect was taken directly from the military unit. When I met, I recognized the guy from the "VKontakte" page, but did not recognize him as a rapist: he was thin and below me half a head, not someone who could break my arms and smother me.

Now, after so many years, I understand that it's impossible to find an abuser. And I resigned myself to this. Live with a sense of revenge - hard. This self-destruction - constantly thinking about how to find the person who hurt you.

- Tell me, how did you manage to survive this situation at all, and how long did it take to find peace of mind?.

- The first two or three years, it seemed to me that everything was okay, that I had a light story, which is much worse. I thought that I experienced all this in myself. But if your story is not worked out, that is, a psychologist or psychotherapist has not worked with you, with time, a constant internal rethinking begins. You scroll in your head the thought: "What could I do to avoid this? ".

- Why did not you just go to the psychologist?.

- I always thought that everything was fine, that nothing terrible had happened. I had a wild depression, but I associated it with other factors: parting with a young man, problems with study and graduation work. But it was quite the opposite, all these problems were because I was raped. Probably, then I just needed a man who would take my hand and take me to a doctor. But there were no such people in my environment. My relatives did not encounter this, and, like me, did not know how to behave properly in this situation. I told many people about rape, I probably wanted to heal myself, because when you pronounce, it makes you feel better. With me all the time something happened, the company even has the expression "funny stories from Dasha Trofimova". It seemed to me then that this story from the same series. I presented it in the spirit: "Estimate what happened to me ...". Apparently because that's how I positioned it so my friends were in no hurry to help. Although I probably at that moment was important and needed support, I lived alone and someone had to be with me around. But no one cared for me (a lump rolls up to my throat: I'm on the list of those who knew about the situation and did nothing).

"Did you tell your parents?".

- At once. The reaction was ambiguous, apparently protective, like mine. Mom could not get through to me day because I was at the police station. And when I finally got in touch, I asked where I was missing. I said: "I was raped, Mom". And she responded with something like: "What about study? Did you miss school day? Take a certificate from the police. ". And then I realized that before my mother does not reach at all what happened to me. She, apparently, so closed inside that she did not want to perceive this information. A normal heart-to-heart conversation took place about a year and a half ago.. And my father tried to cheer up, he said that the rapist would be sure to find.

"I began to have nightmares, panic attacks began, and I was at a therapist." - After that, you did not have any phobias: fear of intimacy with men, fear of the dark?.

- I did not have any problems with men after that. I for myself clearly defined: if one person has some internal problems, does not mean that all the guys are. But one time, of course, I was afraid to walk at night.

"Do not you want retribution?".

- I wanted to. But not for the sake of punishment, but that with other girls the same thing happened to me. I did not want to see this inadequate person walking around the streets, which can hurt people.

"But now you've let go of the situation?".

- She will not go anywhere. She remains with you for life, just at some point you start to manage it.

- And when did you start to manage your own?.

- When I started my photo project, as a result of which I was at a psychotherapist's reception here in Moscow. Immersed in the work, I realized that I did not survive - just put the problem in a long box, and there was an explosion. Only a year and a half has passed since the moment when I was able to openly talk about my misfortune.

- Tell me what is the essence of your project?.

- It all started with the fact that I entered the school of photography and multimedia Rodchenko in Moscow, where I really wanted to get and where I began to study contemporary art. During the training all my projects were light and superficial, and I wanted something deep, because I was engaged in documentary photography. I thought that it was all caused by internal trauma in me. It was at the moment of choosing the topic of the thesis that I had another turning point - I again tried to remember the face of my abuser. Then it was decided to devote the project to violence. I thought: if I can not help myself, at least I can inform people that such things happen. I wanted to shout: "Guys, there is such a misfortune, and you can not keep it quiet". I thought of taking pictures of raped women, collecting their stories. But I was afraid that I would not be able to find any victims.

- Judging by your posts on social networks, the response was colossal.

- Tanya, I was written by about 150 people. It was unexpected. There was a message shaft, I did not have time to read everything and respond quickly. Only then did I understand what kind of responsibility I took on my shoulders. Then I began to meet with girls from Moscow and St. Petersburg. They told stories, I photographed them, many were ready for publicity. But over time, problems arose with me. From all these stories that I missed through myself, I felt sick: I had nightmares, there were panic attacks. I told myself that I should continue to work, but after another conversation I had a nervous breakdown. I was wildly ashamed, but I realized that I can not finish the project. I had to go to a therapist. He scolded me because I tackled the topic without special training. We agreed that he worked through my problems and at the same time taught me how to work with people. After that, I decided to leave the portraits and make staged shots with the reconstruction of the scenes of violence. However, I have collected new stories for the thesis work and are preparing a sound installation, that is, the stories of the victims.

"Guy, write to me! I would have done some kind of artistic project with you ".

- You say that not all victims are ready to openly declare their tragedy. You yourself until recently was among them. What stops you: fear or shame?.

- Society is not ready to listen to us about violence. People are afraid to talk about a problem out loud. Some do not want to frighten and upset their loved ones. To me, for example, girls came who did not tell anyone about their misfortune. Others are afraid to hear accusations in their address. It seems to me, even if you go in a spacesuit, and you are attacked and raped, the culprit will still be you. I do not understand why a woman can not walk down the street in a skirt or why she should not talk to a man. It's a man!.

Dasha is working on an art project - How did you get publicity?.

- Of course, it was not easy for me to write a post in social networks that I was raped, but I was more afraid of accusations from the category: "Yes, she is speculating on the topic". I thought: I'll tell you right now, and everyone will decide that this is for the sake of HYIP.

- It is difficult for me to imagine, but it turns out that you can learn to live with all this?.

- With this you need to learn how to live. As long as you deny the situation, it does not let you go, but as soon as you realize that this has happened to you, it immediately becomes easier. We need to understand that this story is always with you, it's just not so easy to forget, because our body is not so simple to take and erase from memory one day. It is not necessary to shout about it to the right and to the left, but it's important to talk about what can happen.

- You said that you no longer remember the person of the rapist, but let's imagine, purely hypothetically, that here he stands before you. What will you do or say?.

- You know, Tan, here I am directly in the interview, I want to turn to him:

"Guy, write to me! I would have done some kind of artistic project with you. Performance, for example (smiling). I would not even raise the matter ".

Always want to hear the version of the second side, because it is interesting that the person at that time was on his mind. The version of the victim is clear to us, but I want to hear the version of the rapist. I believe that this person had some serious problems in life that prompted him to this terrible deed.