Alexandra Savina Gazlayting is a relatively new term, but even if you are unfamiliar with it, you almost certainly encountered "soft" forms of the phenomenon: for example, when you recalled an event to someone you knew, and a person assured you that there was nothing. Gazlaytingom called the form of psychological violence, when one person manipulates another, tries to confuse it, distorts information so that a person begins to doubt the adequacy of their own perception and their memories. Of course, not every situation when a person convinces you that there was not an event was a manifestation of violence: it is quite possible that he sincerely does not remember him. Nevertheless, gaslaiting is a frequent method of taking abyuzers and a way to establish control over another person. Vova title gazlayting received thanks to the play "Gas Light" ("Gas Light"), which in 1944 was shot the same film with Ingrid Bergman in the title role. The husband of the heroine Bergman, Gregory, convinces her that she is going crazy to hide her own crimes: he is looking for hidden jewelry in the house and turns on the light in the attic, because of what the other lamps in the house shine more dimly. When the heroine talks about this to her husband, he insists that she thinks this, concurrently convincing that she did things she does not remember anything about, isolates her from other people - as a result, the heroine thinks she is losing her mind. Gazlaiting is associated primarily with partnership - it often becomes one of the elements of violence in relationships. This is one of the "tools" of the abusers who are trying to control their passion: for example, when a person touches the feelings of a partner or offends him, he can use "harmless" phrases like "You are inadequately reacting", "It was just a joke" or "Relax! ", So that the partner feels guilty for what" wrong "and" too much "reacts. Another common example is treason, when one of the partners convinces the other that in reality nothing happens. The goal of gaslaiting is to change a person's idea of ??reality, to make him doubt his own version of what is happening and his memories. It can take different forms: for example, an abuser can deny the facts ("I could not say that, you invent"), devaluate the emotions of another ("Please be quieter") or emphasize that the partner is inadequately perceiving what is happening ("Is it so normal to cry In such a simple situation? "). In the book of psychoanalyst Robin Stern "The Gaslight Effect" there is a checklist - twenty signs that can point to the gaslighting. For example, if you constantly apologize to a partner, parents or boss, worry that "not good enough" for them, before returning to your partner's home, convulsively check whether you have forgotten about something that can piss him off, you justify it to friends all the time And relatives and much more. The goal of gaslaiting is to make a person doubt their own version of what is happening and their memories. According to Stern, women are more often victims of gas rating, and more manipulators are men, although, of course, different situations are possible. At the same time, gaylayting not only relates to partner relations: manipulators can be colleagues, friends, bosses, and the word itself recently, for example, is often used to describe the actions of Donald Trump, who manipulates the opinion of the public. This kind of violence is often found in pop culture, as a metaphor for control and not only: one of the vivid examples - the series "Jessica Jones". Children who are manipulated by their parents. Ariel Liv, author of the book An Abbreviated Life, in which she told that she was a victim of domestic violence by her own mother - a poetess and an artist - talks a lot about her experience, about her physical and psychological abuzes, including about gaslaiting. According to her, gaslaiting from her mother's side was worse than "slaps, punches, kicks, tweaks and beatings during quarrels. The real damage to me was caused by the fact that she denied everything and blamed me for being bad to her, because I'm angry for no reason. Denial of violence was worse than violence itself ".

Stern identifies several stages through which the victim of gaslaiting passes, regardless of whether the family is relations, workers or any other. The first is a negative: the victim notices that the abuser is behaving strangely, but dismisses what is happening, thinks that this is a non-serious incident that will not happen again, and does not pay attention to it. In the second stage, she begins to doubt herself and her perception of the situation - but she defends herself from the abuser, because she hopes she can prove her point of view and convince the gas-lighter. Finally, in the third stage, the victim begins to believe that the abuser is right, and she is wrong and guilty of what is happening - she hopes that if she agrees with him and meets his expectations, he can earn his approval. Like other types of violence, gaslaiting can have the most serious consequences: in the third stage, the victim may experience depression or anxiety disorder. It is difficult to cope with gazailing because, unlike physical violence or threats, it is more difficult to prove. It's difficult to cope with gaslaying because, unlike physical violence or direct threats, it is more difficult to prove: the victim doubts that he understands what is happening , Her perception is distorted. She gets used to adjusting to the abuser and may not realize that she needs help, she wants to please the abyuzer and meet his expectations, forgetting about herself and her own comfort. Nevertheless, it is possible to fight against gayliting. The most obvious way is to go to a psychotherapist or support group for victims of domestic violence. If there is no such possibility, you can apply for support to friends or relatives whom you trust: they will help to look at the situation from the side and expose manipulation. Ariel Liv, who tells a lot about her experience of fighting gaylayting and domestic violence, has developed a strategy that helped her protect herself. She advises to remain adamant and to stick to her own version of events, to resist when others doubt what you are saying ("Unyielding does not make you a difficult person. It makes you stronger and sturdier "). She also advises not to try to convince the abuser: no matter how weighty your arguments are, the abuser will never accept them, and the earlier you understand this, the easier it will be for you to get out of this situation. Robin Stern, in his book, notes that the first step to dealing with gazailing is to be ready to completely break off relations: in her opinion, this is the only way to change the alignment of forces. However, she believes that the question of whether to tear relationships or try to change them, everyone should decide for himself: for example, if the abuser is your boss or colleague, you may want to remain in your position, because the work in this company has Other advantages. Breaking a relationship with a family member is even more difficult - you can experience a whole range of complex feelings for him, a mixture of love and anger. In Stern's book there are a lot of viktimbleming ("Remember: the only way to change such relationships is if you change them yourself". Of course, if only you change, it's not enough - your gas-starter also needs to change. But if your actions remain the same, it will be almost impossible for him to change "), but the idea that changes need not be sharp or cardinal can help a lot. Sometimes it's enough to start small - for example, to see how long you did not give room to your own feelings and desires, and pay attention to them. Images: Juulijs - stock. Adobe. Com (1, 2, 3) Original article: Gazlayting: Why do men inspire women,.

That they are not themselves.